


Legacy

by Isilanna (Betazoa)



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Feelings of Inadequacy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 12:35:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8372470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Betazoa/pseuds/Isilanna
Summary: "Hello, Dax." Hosts are encouraged to record a message to their symbiont's next host to help with the transition, but Ezri should never have been Joined with Dax and this is a message she doesn't really want to hear.





	

Ezri -- or as she thinks of herself some days, EzriJadziaCurzonJoranToriasAudridEmonyTobinLela -- rolls the datarod around in her fingers, feeling its soothing smoothness roll evenly across her skin. It was cool to the touch when she'd picked it up, but she's been holding it for so long it's warm now. Her mother -- that is, Ezri Tigan's mother, who seems like a distant relative now -- would snap at her to stop fussing with the rod like it's a toy and either put it away or watch the recording.  
  
She has already heard from Yanas Tigan since her abrupt and unwanted Joining a few weeks past, and knows with complete certainty that her mother would prefer she put the rod away and forgot about it. So Ezri does exactly the opposite and after nearly an hour of stalling, inserts it into the console, entering the authorization code to access the communication she doesn't really want to hear except to spite the woman who has never really approved of a single thing she's done.  
  
Jadzia's face on the screen makes her gasp and recoil like she's been punched in the stomach. Physically, she feels as if she has with the way Dax is roiling around inside her pouch, still grieving the sudden loss of its former host. It hadn't been like Jadzia's Joining: a peaceful transfer from an elderly host who had accepted that their life was coming to a close, and a new host who was prepared for not only the influx of new memories but also the feeling of loss from the symbiont. Under ordinary circumstances, a symbiont would be given time to recover from a host's death like the one Dax had experienced.  
  
Dax should have spent years in the pools at Mak'ala, recuperating from the trauma of being ripped from a host far too soon. The Symbiosis Commission had made the mistake of Joining a still-traumatized Dax to an unstable Joran Belar with disastrous consequences. And considering how much more horrifying Jadzia's murder was than Torias's shuttlecraft accident, some days it took all of Ezri's energy to keep from going mad with Jadzia's regrets of an unfinished life echoing through her head while Joran whispered revenge fantasies in her ear.  
  
But Ezri was stronger than the echoes of the people she -- no, _Dax_ had once been, though. At least, she _had_ to be in order to keep going. She touched the screen to begin the communication, and her old voice came flowing out, wrapping around her like a silken cocoon or a death shroud.  
  
"Hello, Dax." And just like that, the symbiont in Ezri's belly stilled, as if it too was listening, hungry for this last piece of poor dead Jadzia. "The Commission says that hosts should update these communications every five years, but if you'll recall, I'm in the habit of updating mine more frequently given the current climate."  
  
_The war,_ Ezri thinks, remembering every battle she -- no, _Jadzia_ had fought against the forces of the Dominion over the past few years. Ezri hasn't been in battle yet, owing to luck or perhaps just chance, so it never felt quite real to her until she woke up with eight new voices in her head -- or stomach, as it was -- including the memories of Jadzia, who had been very much alive until a month ago when she'd been murdered by the former head of the Cardassian Union under the Dominion.  
  
"If you're seeing this communication, then I suppose haven't lived long past 33." And it's the truth because Ezri remembers making this communication -- remembers _Jadzia_ making this communication after they had returned from their ill-fated attempted to rescue the long-dead Captain Cusak, only weeks before her own death.  
  
"If you're seeing this communication, then I suppose I also didn't live long enough to have the child Worf and I wanted so badly." And suddenly Ezri feels a _longing_ that is not quite her own; it's Jadzia, who wanted a baby so badly, and Lela and Audrid and Emony who had all been mothers and had wanted it for her too. Ezri has never even really thought all that much about having children of her own after growing up in such a dysfunctional household, but now she wonders if her arms will ever stop feeling so achingly empty.  
  
She taps the screen again to pause the recording because it's been less than 30 seconds and already Jadzia has thrown her fragile equilibrium into chaos and it's only a matter of time before Curzon's opinion of children (cute but inconvenient) overtakes her next, not to speak of whatever deranged thoughts _Joran_ has on the issue. She tries to find her center as the counselors from the Commission recommended (as if they're more qualified than Audrid, who lives in her head now) by focusing in on her breathing, drawing in deep breaths and letting them out slowly. It takes several minutes, but the sensation that the world is spinning around her gradually dissipates.  
  
It's time to push through, she knows, because the communication goes on for several more minutes. Ezri tries to put that memory aside because it's too hard to be on both sides of this when Jadzia should still be alive and Ezri should never have been Joined with Dax. She resumes the communication.  
  
"But if you're seeing this at all, then I'm glad because it means that Dax goes on. I go on, along with all the others who came before me, in you. In Dax." Jadzia pauses, her soft smile turning into a more serious expression and it feels too much like looking in a mirror. "I hope that you fully understand now the honor and privilege of Joining. All the hard work you have already put in has paid off, but it doesn't end there."  
  
Ezri's breath catches because she didn't do _anything_ to deserve this and she never wanted it and she remembers how Jadzia wanted it so badly and all Ezri did was to be a Trill in the wrong place at the wrong time and she's so ashamed at how much she hates it already at this reminder of how it meant so much to Jadzia and all the others. She wants to stop the video, she wants to put the rod away somewhere she'll never have to see it again, but she owes Jadzia this much, at least.  
  
"From this point forward, your life is no longer your own. My mother once described being Joined to me as a heavier responsibility than parenthood, and I thought I understood then. Now Joined myself and having been a mother in three past lives and a father in two, I finally understand just how little I understood it. I would give my life to save Dax, and you will remember that on several occasions it has come close."  
  
Jadzia looks away from the camera now, and sadness overtakes her expression. "Worf and I are trying to become parents, and we've had to have some hard discussions about possibilities and Dax." Her gaze turns forward once more, and Ezri feels like Jadzia can see her, really _see_ her now. "Julian is working on some potential gene therapies to promote our compatibility, but we've already decided -- I've already decided -- that if there's any chance it could harm the symbiont, we won't go through with it."  
  
Simultaneously, Ezri and Jadzia both swallow thickly, one recorded emotion and another remembered. "Worf doesn't understand entirely what it means to be Joined, no Unjoined person can, but he understands what it means to me. If you're the host I hope you will be for Dax's legacy, then you will feel the same way too.  
  
"So here's my advice and even my request to you: love this life you've been given. Our people are unique in that we have the opportunity to experience this, and so few get to be Joined. Don't seek to relive my life or Curzon's or Lela's or Emony's -- and certainly not Joran's.: She smiles at her own joke for a second, and then goes on. "I almost made the mistake of trying to step back into a previous host's life, and if I had then Dax would be no more and all of us lost with it.  
  
"This is your life and I hope you will give back to Dax by living it on your own terms and to the fullest, enhanced by our memories and insights. It's a wonderful gift, and I know you deserve it." Ezri is surprised by the tears rolling down her cheeks now -- when had that happened? Jadzia's misplaced faith is so crushingly humbling to the host who never deserved it.  
  
"I hope you'll do yourself a favor and look up Benjamin if he's still around. He's been a good friend for two lifetimes and I know he would be for a third as well." The knot in Ezri's stomach that has permanently resided there since she got to Trill and learned that she and Dax had been together too long and the Joining was permanent began to loosen a little at those words, at the thought of Ben.  
  
Jadzia's smile is radiant now, all confidence and pride and love, and all Ezri wants to do is fall into her arms and beg for her acceptance and forgiveness despite being unworthy of it, but Jadzia is _dead_ and she wouldn't deserve it anyway. "I can't wait to meet you at your zhian'tara. Make sure you get a pretty host for me."  
  
And with that, the screen goes blank. Dax turns within her once more and then is still, and for the first time since she woke up in the medical bay of the Destiny as Ezri _Dax,_ she feels completely alone. Everyone is quiet in her head (or belly). It's a peaceful spell, even if she knows it's short-lived.  
  
For the first time, she accepts it. The book on Jadzia is finally closed; she is Dax now. She might not deserve it or even want it, but it's her responsibility now. Placing Dax before Ezri is the least she can do for Jadzia, who had such high hopes for the symbiont's next host.  
  
Ezri removes the datarod from the console and keys into the Commission interlink that is accessible to all hosts, setting it up to record directly to the database where host messages are stored. She enters the encryption code that has been used all the way back to Audrid, under whose oversight this system was developed. The message she begins to record will be viewable only to Dax's next host, who will know the code just as she and Jadzia and the others before did.  
  
"If you're seeing this," she begins tentatively, "then you might only remember me as the host who should never have been -- well, the _second_ host who should never have been because of Joran..." She stops herself before she can continue to ramble. "I'm the host who doesn't know quite how to deal with all of this or even if I want to deal with all of this because I never wanted to be Joined at all, but..."  
  
There's a long pause and it will probably be very awkward for her next host if they ever have to watch this because she really can't control her facial expressions and her words always seem to flow out in an uncontrolled stream of chaotic consciousness as soon as she opens her mouth. She takes a deep breath, drawing herself up. Her personality is in shambles and she has no idea what to do with her life beyond grabbing that one lifeline Jadzia unwittingly threw out, but she can do this. She can make a good showing for whatever poor soul who someday will have to sort through the mess she's made of Dax.  
  
"I never wanted to be Joined and I don't know that I deserve the honor that all the others felt at receiving the Dax symbiont, but I'm going to do my best. I hope at least that you will remember me kindly for that."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Comments, discussion, and concrit always welcome.
> 
> If you're interested in more of my stuff, check out my Tumblr at betazoa.tumblr.com


End file.
